Heartfelt Honest Truths

Dear Spencer,

The following paragraph is a disclaimer.. I haven’t been feeling that well. I don’t feel like my normal chipper self. Yet, I am saying this to share that I know that where I am right now is exactly where I am meant to be. I am in a process. I also love this part of myself, for I rarely connect with her so intimately. I dig her.

This time of month has my sensitivities blasted wide open. I started my moon cycle Saturday. Which is directly tied in with the New Moon Solar Eclipse we just passed though, the energy of the New Year, the Lunar Full Moon Eclipse coming up this Friday and also the huge astrological conjunction January 12th, where Saturn and Pluto will conjunct.

Some of the biggest astrology for 2020 is occurring in January and then in December at the end of the year. We are entering into a year where we will have a lot of work to do. So that when we begin 2021, we will be prepared to start the new 200 year cycle in a way that will bring a brighter future for the generations to come.

With all of this noted, I am hyper-sensitive. I understand that where I am now is perfect. Each sensation, each moment is a chance to study, what in fact, I no longer have space to hold for inside.

Spencer, I am going to be completely honest right now and forever. I am learning who I am. How to express myself. And also how to dive deep into me. I hold a well of magic, wisdom, untapped potential and gifts. Not everyone can see this in me, not everyone goes as deep as I am going, not everyone knows how to hold this sort of space. Other people are doing their own deep work and none of us are at the exact same place within. I can’t expect, wish or desire for anyone to complete me, to know me inside and out. What I feel right now is that I can give all of my emotions to the Great Source. For this energy knows and understands every aspect of my process, what I am experiencing and is silently guiding ALL of us on our way.

I do not fear my path. I give myself, all of myself to Source. I came here to enjoy life, yes. To have many friends, live a wild adventure, help heal others. To share love, wisdom, teachings and understandings. I feel that my mission encompasses all of this. And at the same time, I am nothing without the power of that which is greater than us. The Great Source provides the energy for our entire universe to function plus more.

I surrender my life to be an instrument. I am devoted to fulfilling this mission. And right now, my instructions are in this surrender, to fully experience my humanness. Observe what comes up. Be willing to fall on my face.

‘Give your all. Be radically honest. Hold nothing back. Do not act or do things to be polite. Do for love. Live through love and raw honesty. Live in integrity. In absolute truth. Own your imperfections and continue to remind yourself that you are not perfect. You will make mistakes. And these mistakes decompose into the fertile soils that your true dreams blossom upon. Failures and successes are one in the same. They need each other for life to cycle through, to grow, to blossom. Each bringing lessons, insights, humility, strength, determination. Ecstasy, pain, tears, innate joy.’

‘I am the light of the world, and I am the dark sorceress that has men shake at their knees. I will not hold myself back anymore. I will scare some. I will bring joy to others. But what I do know is that I will not live in a cage. I will not be controlled by anything trying to keep my wings at Bay. And every action I do is with respect. I am committed to humility. To respecting nature and protecting the innocent with every ounce of my being. I fight for what is right. We have a big mission ahead of us. A lot of work to do. Intelligence is required. A clear mind. Deep breaths, health, trust, compassion, and the opening to be a channel for the divine to work through.’

Spence, as I re-read the above words I remembered to share with you an experience I had yesterday. Throughout the day I was a little tired. I had a slight headache as well. As I was going to bed, I started to feel a little uncomfortable. When I lied down, things kind of began to swirl. I went to the bathroom and then had to hurry to my bed, for I began to lose my vision, not hear so well, and felt like if I stayed standing I would pass out. Yet, when I lay back in my bed I felt extremely hot (which is rare for me) and was not really thinking well. I remember feeling like I was about to pass out and the discomfort was almost unbearable. I crawled to lie near the opened sliding glass door so that the air could touch my face. I remember when I did this I began to relax and was able to surrender to the experience that had taken over me. In this time I did not pass out completely, yet I was also fully not there. My consciousness went away somehow. I only realized this because at one point, I began to hear the sound of the night bugs and the ocean in the background. And I was happy for I felt the sensation had passed and I realized I had not fully passed out. For I didn’t awaken in a state of confusion about who I was or what happened. I somehow stayed a little conscious through it all.

Through meditation today I realized that this is happening on my dieta. This is happening for me to learn how to work with this force that comes to overtake me sometimes. I’ve had this my entire life. It is connected to all that I am healing. I remember the fear I felt last night when it was coming on. And I realize now, that in times like this, I need not fear, I must put all of my faith in God. There is an answer to this process. I am not sure what it is just yet and I know that it is coming.

So I realize that my above post is a little different than normal. I am having to tap into a deeper part of me to access this healing. I am uncertain, I do not know the way. One step at a time and all will be revealed.

I would like to quote someones post from Instagram that helped for things to make sense to me today. Her Instagram tag is @sister_shanti and this is what she had to say..

”This is tough astrology guys. 😦 Saturn & Pluto are approaching conjunct and Eclipse is right around the corner. You may be feeling pressure or urgency to move forward but feel helpless or resistant to doing so. There may be a strong desire to start over, get serious, put things into place and get your life together but you lack the drive or clarity at this time. This leaves you feeling just generally uncomfortable. Physical symptoms include feeling heavy, lethargic, tired, anxious. Old health issues may be resurfacing. Hang in there, this too shall pass.”

( I bolded that statement because that is exactly what I am experiencing now. I also feel just so many old feelings I rarely feel anymore. I know not to identify with them. To observe. Be patient. And trust in the process. )

I also feel this post is written in response to internal processes I am having in regards to the major Fires in Australia and that which has recently occurred in Iran. My prayers and heart goes out to the whole world. All who are suffering, hurting, sad.. everything. May we truly learn how to come together and make decisions that will change the very face of our planet. One where our entire eco-system is thriving. Where respect, humility, and love are of upmost importance.

Please God, may you guide our way. 🙏


Angelique Marie (Txivã)

6 thoughts on “Heartfelt Honest Truths

  1. Wow Angelique. I really think you are getting to the heart of it. You describe everything you have in your life of adventure, which really is exactly as you have designed. And so what is holding you back from the feeling of “everything is A Ok I’m just eating my grass?” Right? Is it the feeling that we need to be doing something better? Stephanie and I were talking about the anxiety of singing in front of people. Why can we not simply sing like a mockingbird on a tippy tree top? No judgement. Just singing his heart out. Such as it is. That’s a life of worship you have created my dear friend. I’m so proud of you. Know you can be authentic like Padrinho Sebastião or Mestre. Nunca engano.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Spencer thank you so much for this comment. Deeply touched my heart. I was hesitant to post this yesterday. For I think it’s the fear of being judged and not accepted for who I truly am. And yet it felt so liberating to send.
    Today I thought about the mockingbird on a tippy tree top and promised myself that when I practice singing I will imagine I am that little birdie! Thank you for everything my dear friend.
    I’m also working on some content for myself which is going to turn in to a blog post. About aligning myself right now and for the year ahead. Sort of like intentions. I’m not feeling New Years resolutions, for I want it to be something that is part of my life and not something I end up falling off the wagon with. I think you might like to answer them for your life too.


  3. I love you, Angelique. You are so brave, strong, magical, and beautiful. I feel the healing you are experiencing is benefiting many other people – including ME! Thank you. 😘😘🙏🏻

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow!

    What a powerful blogpost! I just finished reading and resonated a lot with my own personal process, mainly since I left Guananshe

    It gets me super happy to see you expressing yourself in this way and with so much confidence and honesty.

    You’re walking a beautiful path of self knowledge that is essential for all human beings, mainly in the times of now

    I can feel the first sprouts of the Dieta we initiated together, I want to wish you all the positive energies and encouragement for the completion of this so awaited and deserved Dieta, you’re getting it, that’s the path, one step at a time but with all consciousness and awareness

    For me it hasn’t been easy theses few days in Rio, so many challenges and difficulties that almost knocked me down, taking away my focus and calm to deal with the tests

    But gracas a Deus I was able to overcome it, by realizing that all of this is coming for me to *tap to a deeper part of myself * (as well) on a whole different way

    I felt that without all of theses issues I wouldn’t be able to do so, that being busy is good but it has a limit, cause without that it can become very harmful

    I thank you for sending me this link and joking a little to see if I was going to read it or not

    I’m traveling to Austin tonight with my heart and mind in a much deeper balance than before, acknowledging that there’s a ocean of discovery inside of me just waiting to be explored and for so long I’ve focused on the exterior thinking it’s was my top priority

    I’m leaving Brasil this time with a different feeling, that at first got me nervous but know I understand that only in dark moments that we can really connect with our true light!

    Xinã Shavai !!!!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s