Thank you for the reminder of writing freely from the heart without the need to fit a certain criteria.
I’m just going to write freely and see what comes through my fingertips. I have so much that I would like to say and at the same time feeling the block due to the perfectionist Virgo in me knocking at my door.
I am currently sitting on a bench with a small table near the horses. Sini and Gua are nearby and they look so beautiful. Wow the horses truly are majestic and bring such a good feeling to the heart.
Before writing this I found myself lying my head on the table in front of the bench, feeling super tired, hazy as if maybe I didn’t have the energy to write this post. Thinking of all of the things I need to do and yet paralyzed at the same time. My monthly woman’s cycle is soon coming so I believe this has a lot to do with it. And even as I write this, our other two horses Don and Carpa are lying down sleeping, while Sini and Gua are sleeping standing up. Which is something I rarely see them doing at this time of the day. Normally they are full of energy begging for food. 🙂
So there is something to this.. what is the horse medicine that I need at this moment? What are they telling me?
To slow down, allow the heart to guide the way. To relax and to trust in everything.
I so much want to do a good job. I want to do everything perfectly, yet I have to surrender and allow room for the unperfected and the messiness too. Spence I’m in a big process right now. I forget how strong this dieta of the jiboia (boa constrictor) is. I’m transforming at such a deep level. And transformation is not necessarily rainbows and butterflies. It takes work, a deep study, and one step at a time.
This weekend we, too, celebrated the festival just you all did in Austin. (I’m so sorry to hear about your migraine. I can not imagine what that must have been like for you. And at the same time I am super happy to hear how you stuck through it, held your ground and were able to receive many important teachings from the experience. I admire this in you and am using this medicine as an inspiration for me now.)
So Right before we began our celebration a small, uncomfortable headache came on for me.
As the ceremony began I started feeling what I am working to heal during this dieta.. The full opening of my voice. I felt nervous, sick, unable to open and yet I stayed in my place and gave it my all. During a small interval Kene pulled me aside as she could feel I was going through a process. She shared with me how since I am on this dieta I must study everything that appears. That the headache and the sickness were tests to keep me stuck and that I must find my force within to move through it. To not let this knock me down. To not worry how my voice sounded, what was of my most importance was to sing. She shared examples of how her Aunt Hushahu helped her when she was in the same place. She, too, had experienced a head ache and the sickness, which was why she could relate exactly to what I was passing through. As she was speaking to me from her heart, I felt a surrender in mine and a realization that the time I am living in now is no longer what I experienced in the past. I have a big spiritual force supporting me to break through my blockages and move to the next level. As she was talking I vomited in my hand! She said this would good, to let it all go and when I came back to let go and sing from my heart. To move through this, that now is the time.
When I came back to my chair and we began the ceremony again, I felt weak. I surrendered and I sang from my heart. I noticed I was no longer shy to sing in front of Padrinho, Jordao and Kene. I felt completely safe and for the first time I wasn’t worried about what I sounded like. I knew the key was to simply sing, for if I didn’t then I would never move past this and I would stay stuck in this feeling of discomfort. (Just as I am writing this, I looked up and the horses have all woken up and are now eating their hay!)
I had such a good experience and felt my essence, who I truly am and the woman I am stepping into. After the closing of our first festival work, Jordao and Kenewma told me that they saw the true firmness of Txivã. And for the first time they truly heard me singing. They were so excited and proud of me. And now we have a platform to begin truly training my voice and opening it fully.
As I write this, I hear the sound of the birds chirping, the strengthening of the sound of the wind in the leaves of the tress and the feeling of it on my skin. I feel the warmth of the sun and at this moment I realize everything is okay. We are all so guided, protected and taken care of.
Just as I am currently on this dieta of transformation, so is all of humanity. In just 3 days we will experience a Full Moon in Gemini (December 12th). This full moon is a precursor (2 weeks prior) to the December 25th Capricorn New Moon Solar Eclipse.
This Gemini Full Moon will be strong for everyone and me particularly for my Moon is in Gemini. This full moon is going to bring about changes that we can simply not prepare for. Kind of out of the blue and huge! Yet what we can do is remain awake, observant and surrender to that which is before us.
I personally feel this full moon is coming to shock our systems awake so that we can be fully prepared for the upcoming solar eclipses. Solar eclipses carry the energy of rebirth. Things may suddenly end, new ideas are birthed instantaneously, transformation occurs rapidly. And this particular upcoming Solar Eclipse is showing us the path of our destiny. How the steps we take are literally fated to us. We must trust our intuition and truly focus on that which we want to create. For whatever we put our energy and attention towards is coupled with this incredibly powerful eclipse energy.
So this is the jist of what I would like to share today Spencer. And wow thank you for writing and posting yesterday. For this awoke me from haze, had me put one foot in front of the other, or rather type one letter at a time, until I arrived at this exact point of the post. And now, I feel a sense of freedom in my chest. A clarity in my brain. A calmness in my spirit. A rooting of my feet on the ground, literally and figuratively.
Before I go I’d like to share a few updates in relation to our life here in Bahia:
* Saturday we all sang Happy Birthday to your son Charlie at Boa Vista. Jordana and family, Jordão and family, the Yawanawá and of course Simonne!
* Edilson connected me with someone to help with the horses. I had a meeting with him last Friday. He has a lot of experience with horses and we see eye to eye. I really hope it works out with him.
* We found the perfect place for the corral! I’m so excited about its placement and look forward to see it come to life!
* Tatai has all of the materials ready to begin building the structure to cut the capim for the horses. Soon they will have an abundance of food.
* On Friday Padrinho reached out to the man we purchased our last two horses from, so that I can schedule a time to visit there.
* The horses were shoed last week and the ‘ferradora’ (man who shoes the horses) offered to take me on a ride to learn the trails near here. I asked him to take me before the New Year so that I can show you when you come.
This is all I’ll share for now, more to come. ❤
I love and miss both you and Stephanie.
Sending all of my love,